you know how you always seem to be able to sense what I need, and send it to me one way or another? Well I REALLY need you to get busy on my behalf RIGHT NOW.
Something happened this morning that made me realise that, throughout this whole Impossible Goal process, there’s been a part of me intent on subtly but effectively undermining everything I’ve been trying to do. Today someone called it out and now I can see it dancing its triumphant little jig and snarling.
It’s the part of me that, underneath all the bravado, is scared shitless of change. It’s the part of me that can’t imagine a different sort of life and doesn’t really want to try. It’s the part of me that really doesn’t believe I’m up to the job. It’s the part of me that thinks I’m getting too big for my boots and I should just stop showing off and get back in my box.
It has a wide range of strategies and subterfuges in its arsenal and it deploys them so well it actually had me believing I was conquering it, when all the while I’ve been playing into its hands.
But now, thanks to a very dear and enormously straight-talking friend, I can see it in all its horrid, gnarled reality. And now I’m REALLY scared.
Because now I truly know what I’m up against.
I’m up against ME.
So Dear Universe, please can you send me some help? I can’t fight me on my own – that me has 46 years worth of experience of getting in my way and mangling my attempts to do something different, and it doesn’t want to stop now without a fight. This new me is still very fresh and pink, and raw around the edges and it bruises easily. This new me really doesn’t want to give in but doesn’t know what to do right now.
Dear Universe, please help…