People, I need to ‘fess up.
I’ve let myself down and I’ve let down people who have helped me out.
I’ve let fear and embarrassment and guilt and shame rule my decisions in a particular area of my life whilst professing (and, indeed, doing) things completely differently in other areas of my life.
In the past couple of weeks things have come to a head and I’ve drifted down into the Dark Places of Wibble, spending too much time not getting out of my jammies, making excuses not to go out, avoiding people and mentally (and sometimes physically) crawling back under the duvet to avoid it all.
But my self-knowledge wouldn’t let me get away with it entirely and was still forcing me to look at The Problem, even though all I was actually doing was glancing very quickly and then looking at something WAY more pretty in the other direction.
Then yesterday 2 people who have helped me out and been supportive and very generous with their time got in touch and all of a sudden I knew I couldn’t ignore it any more.
And this is my confession (and no, this isn’t the part where I confess to something silly and minor).
I’ve let my finances get into a desperate state. Cheques are bouncing and payments are being returned. I’ve let myself down and I’ve let down people who I admire and respect. I’ve known it was on the cards and I’ve fiddled around the edges but never sat down and made adult decisions about what to do.
And so yesterday, after I’d written my Big Brave Blog and addressed my fears around admitting to any sort of Spirituality, I flumped spectacularly and descended into a fog of self-recrimination, helplessness, dependence and general horrible “bleeeeuuurgh”.
I tried to mediate and couldn’t get in the zone. I couldn’t bear to leave the house. I switched my computer off so I wouldn’t have to confront the awful truths that lie therein.
I clung to My Lovely Husband like a life raft when he came home from work. He was, of course, wonderful. He gave me tea and cuddles and he asked me what The Colourful Coach would do in this situation. I said she’d grow some balls. We left it that.
I woke up this morning with new balls firmly in place. I decided the only way I was going to feel better was to get out into the world and stop wallowing, so I did. After a FABULOUS meeting which I’m still processing, I went straight to the bank and explained that I was in a mess and needed help now, before I chickened out again.
And (thank you Universe) my bank manager was free. For an hour and a half, right when I needed him. And he was lovely. Understanding, firm, adult and sympathetic. Full of wise counsel.
We now have a plan. I have taken the actions he advised, and I have admitted my sins and shortcomings to those that I owe money to.
As ever, the worry and fear and guilt and shame and all the other CRAP that I’ve been burying myself in were far, FAR worse than the simple act of taking control and responsibility back where it belongs, with me.
And though I have long known this to be true, still sometimes it takes me a while to break out of the spiral of denial.
We kid ourselves that not changing is more comfortable than changing; that carrying on with our old patterns is OK even if our whole life has changed around us, because we’ve done OK like that so far; that there’s “too much” change going on so it’s OK not to do this bit.
We even cling on to patterns that we know to be self-destructive, and to self-talk that we know to be unhelpful. So despite knowing all the theory about this stuff, and despite seeing the difference it makes to my clients when they change their patterns and self-talk, I’ve allowed myself to carry on with unhelpful patterns, habits and thoughts about money and my relationship to it.
This is deeply ingrained stuff and it’s going to take a while to get sorted out, both with the bank and in my head. But you know what?
I can handle it.
I forgive myself for making a mess of things.
I forgive myself for not being perfect.
And look – the sky hasn’t fallen in! I haven’t been told I’m a naughty girl! I haven’t had my business taken away from me and I haven’t been told I have to go and get a “proper job”. I live to fight another day.
And I feel much better than I did this time yesterday.
So I apologise to those I have let down, including myself. I will do better from now on.