A Confession and an Apology

People, I need to ‘fess up.

I’ve let myself down and I’ve let down people who have helped me out.

I’ve let fear and embarrassment and guilt and shame rule my decisions in a particular area of my life whilst professing (and, indeed, doing) things completely differently in other areas of my life.

In the past couple of weeks things have come to a head and I’ve drifted down into the Dark Places of Wibble, spending too much time not getting out of my jammies, making excuses not to go out, avoiding people and mentally (and sometimes physically) crawling back under the duvet to avoid it all.

But my self-knowledge wouldn’t let me get away with it entirely and was still forcing me to look at The Problem, even though all I was actually doing was glancing very quickly and then looking at something WAY more pretty in the other direction.

Then yesterday 2 people who have helped me out and been supportive and very generous with their time got in touch and all of a sudden I knew I couldn’t ignore it any more.

And this is my confession (and no, this isn’t the part where I confess to something silly and minor).

I’ve let my finances get into a desperate state. Cheques are bouncing and payments are being returned. I’ve let myself down and I’ve let down people who I admire and respect. I’ve known it was on the cards and I’ve fiddled around the edges but never sat down and made adult decisions about what to do.

And so yesterday, after I’d written my Big Brave Blog and addressed my fears around admitting to any sort of Spirituality, I flumped spectacularly and descended into a fog of self-recrimination, helplessness, dependence and general horrible “bleeeeuuurgh”.

I tried to mediate and couldn’t get in the zone. I couldn’t bear to leave the house. I switched my computer off so I wouldn’t have to confront the awful truths that lie therein.

I clung to My Lovely Husband like a life raft when he came home from work. He was, of course, wonderful. He gave me tea and cuddles and he asked me what The Colourful Coach would do in this situation. I said she’d grow some balls. We left it that.

I woke up this morning with new balls firmly in place. I decided the only way I was going to feel better was to get out into the world and stop wallowing, so I did. After a FABULOUS meeting which I’m still processing, I went straight to the bank and explained that I was in a mess and needed help now, before I chickened out again.

And (thank you Universe) my bank manager was free. For an hour and a half, right when I needed him. And he was lovely. Understanding, firm, adult and sympathetic. Full of wise counsel.

We now have a plan. I have taken the actions he advised, and I have admitted my sins and shortcomings to those that I owe money to.

As ever, the worry and fear and guilt and shame and all the other CRAP that I’ve been burying myself in were far, FAR worse than the simple act of taking control and responsibility back where it belongs, with me.

And though I have long known this to be true, still sometimes it takes me a while to break out of the spiral of denial.

We kid ourselves that not changing is more comfortable than changing; that carrying on with our old patterns is OK even if our whole life has changed around us, because we’ve done OK like that so far; that there’s “too much” change going on so it’s OK not to do this bit.

We even cling on to patterns that we know to be self-destructive, and to self-talk that we know to be unhelpful. So despite knowing all the theory about this stuff, and despite seeing the difference it makes to my clients when they change their patterns and self-talk, I’ve allowed myself to carry on with unhelpful patterns, habits and thoughts about money and my relationship to it.

This is deeply ingrained stuff and it’s going to take a while to get sorted out, both with the bank and in my head. But you know what?

I can handle it.

I forgive myself for making a mess of things.

I forgive myself for not being perfect.

And look – the sky hasn’t fallen in! I haven’t been told I’m a naughty girl! I haven’t had my business taken away from me and I haven’t been told I have to go and get a “proper job”. I live to fight another day.

And I feel much better than I did this time yesterday.

So I apologise to those I have let down, including myself. I will do better from now on.

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18 responses to “A Confession and an Apology

  1. Cheltenham Holistic Healing

    Wow, Cathy that must of taken a lot of courage to write that thank you for being so honest about the way you are feeling it takes A lot of BALLS to do that πŸ™‚ keeping smiling and shining

    Love & Laughter
    Libby
    x

    • Do you know what? It didn’t take courage because it felt like the right thing to do. I find that when I stop gibbering and decide to take action, at that point the need for courage disappears. It’s incredibly important to me to be truthful, and part of that truthfulness is being honest about when I screw up. Thank you for being so supportive, missed you this morning! xx

  2. Cathy, you are one brave and beautiful being. I would hazard a guess that there are more people out there than you realise who have the sort of financial wrangles you’re talking about. But I bet not many of them are prepared to (a) deal with them and (b) confess that they’ve had to deal with them. You are walking the talk, lady, and that is something to be proud of. Keep smiling, Justine x

    • Thank you Justine – I have had a number of “me too” conversations this afternoon, which has
      a) made me feel better
      b) made me want to start a club, and
      c) made me wonder what other shameful secrets it would be helpful for me to confess to, so that other peole can get it off their chests, too…

  3. I feel for you but your courage is fantastic….will send a private email,
    you will get over this and be even more powerful
    Di xxxx

  4. Cathy, I love how you always find the lesson in whatever happens to you. Reading your blog has taught me so much about myself as well as about you – and it’s such a relief to know I’m not on my own! As I have said before, it’s the fact that you aren’t perfect (and freely admit to it) that makes you such a wonderful coach and friend. You are a brilliant and inspiring woman, even when you are in the Dark Places of Wibble!

    All my love,
    Michelle.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • Oh you’re most definitely not on your own Michelle. I wouldn’t be surprised if the vast majority of people either are, or have been, going through some of what you experience – it’s just that most of us feel we can’t admit it because we’re supposed to be Grown-Ups and that means being able to cope with everything and always get it right. The Dark Places of Wibble are there for everyone, the trick is knowing that you’re not in there alone and that there are much lovelier places to be – and there are many routes out!
      Thank you, as ever, for your love and support xx

  5. I know we had to discuss fearlessness but fearless you are! Whether you like it or not….fearless stuff. Confronting it is fearless. Sharing you’re fearlessness in the context of vulnerability is a whole new level! Amazing! xx

  6. Aw, shucks…I just hope it helps someone out there to understand that this is stuff we ALL go through and that it CAN be overcome. Maybe that’s part of my purpose – sharing my own vulnerabilities to give hope to others?

  7. I have never read your blog before but this post was so inspiring and brave I take my hat off to you.

    I am glad you have grown new balls! Let them dangle and sparkle and I wish you all the best.

    You have taken the first most difficult step of this journey. It will not be easy, but you have admitted, accepted and will grow from this.

    All the best,

    Sam

  8. Just want to add my own hug of support – you wonΒ΄t fail because you have already succeeded – big time!
    PS The Purple Gallinule has finally been sighted- so absolutely nothing is impossible!

    • Thank you lovely man πŸ™‚ And I want pictorial proof about the Purple Gallinule and am growing increasingly excited at the thought of seeing it – hurrah for the Purple Gallinule of Success!!! xxxxx

  9. Bless you Cathy, you’re very brave to admit this to the world and you’re definately not the only one to be in that situation. So glad you’re balls grew overnight and you’re bank manager was so lovely!
    The only way is up!
    Let me know if I can help in any way.
    Sue x

  10. Pingback: The Importance of Love part 3, plus a Financial Update | The Colour In Your Thinking Blog

  11. Pingback: Thank you, Universe | The Colour In Your Thinking Blog

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