A Conversation With My Ego (who’s been feeling left out…)

So, yesterday I was having conversations with my Gremlins, and then last night I had a conversation with a client’s Gremlins – it was simultaneously weird, hilarious and profound and led to an amazing breakthrough for my client, who went to places they never thought possible and couldn’t stop giggling at the bizarre nature of the session.

I find myself stepping ever further away from the traditional concept of coaching and into a whole other space that, as yet, I don’t have a label for.

I think this has led to some of the confusion I’ve been experiencing of late because if I’m not “a coach”, then what am I? Teacher feels nearer to what I am but it’s not quite there and it has all sorts of overtones to do with school that I don’t like.

It’s certainly been worrying my Ego, because  a lot of yesterday’s head space was taken up with my Ego getting really quite cross and jittery about being left out of the conversation with my Gremlins.

So here’s our conversation – I don’t know where it’s going to go because so far I haven’t got further than acknowledging that it wants to talk, so this will be illuminating for all of us!

Me: OK Ego, what’s up?

Ego: Well first off, you’re breaking the rules!

Me: What rules?

Ego: Oh don’t be so naive. You know perfectly well that you’re supposed to think that I’m you and that all the stuff I make you think and do and say is really coming from you and that there’s no difference between us. But now you’ve broken the rules and IT’S NOT FAIR!!! This is NOT what I signed up for!

Me: Oh, well, clearly you’re put out and I’m sorry about that, but I can’t pretend I don’t know about you any more, can I?

Ego: It’s those flippin’ books you’ve been reading. I keep trying to distract you by sending in the Gremlins but you don’t want to listen to me any more. I thought I was back in control when you did your Creating the Impossible thing and you got all hooked up on making loads of money, but you sussed me in the end didn’t you?

Me: I’m afraid so, yes. It seems that the real me doesn’t want what you want any more.

Ego: But WHY? Why wouldn’t you want lots of money and a big house and world-wide fame and all of those lovely things? Lots of other people want them, why can’t you be normal?

Me: Define normal.

Ego: Oh stop being so smart. You know what I mean. All your life I’ve done my level best to steer you away from stepping outside societal conventions – I kept you in the Civil Service for 25 years. for God’s sake, and now you’re throwing it all back in my face!

Me: Well the thing is, I want something different.

Ego: But WHY?! I am SO frustrated with you!!! What do you want? You’re going to turn into someone everyone else thinks is a complete weirdo – if I let you have your way you’ll be sitting cross-legged in a yurt all day, smelling of incense and knitting your own lentils! I don’t want you to be a weirdo, I want you to be ordinary!

Me: But that’s just the trouble. I’m not ordinary – no-one is ordinary. And staying ordinary for all these years has been slowly killing me and eating away at me. I want to be free to explore who I really am and what my purpose really is. I don’t want to be frightened of my purpose and my potential any more and I want to reveal my gifts and my spirituality in a way that helps others to reveal theirs.

Ego: But no..but…no…but…just NO! You have to have a place in society which means you have to fit in, so you need a label that people can read and understand and you need to fit in and behave and want what everyone else wants. That’s how society works.

Me: And maybe that’s what’s wrong with society?

Ego: Eh?

Me: Well, so many people are conforming to what Society wants and expects of them. Society only functions if the majority of people do as they’re told, don’t ask questions and fit the labels they’re given. If enough people were to get in touch with who they really are, and started to shape their lives around their spiritual needs and their purpose and potential, then there would be a lot more happy people around and Society would change as a result. Society is, after all, just people. It’s not an entity in itself.

Ego: Well but …we can’t have that!

Me: Why not?

Ego: Well…because…because…civilisation as we know it would collapse!

Me: Western civilisation might change, and maybe for the better. What would be so wrong about having a Society made up of people who recognise who they are and what their purpose is, who live lives based around love rather than fear, and who understand the importance of living in harmony with themselves and their environment?

Ego: Well, but,but,well…see! You’re turning into a Hippie!

Me: Look, I understand that you’re nervous. I understand that I’m breaking all the contracts we’ve had going between us for all these years and I understand that it’s really difficult for you to get your (my?) head around. But I can’t go on as I did before. I understand new and different things now and I’ve set out on The Great Adventure of my life. I’m asking you to change you’re ideas if you want to come along with me. Can you do that?

Ego: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Clearly it’s going to take some time for my Ego to get used to this new way of being, for both of us.

In the meantime, maybe I can distract it by having it come up with as many different labels for who I am and what I do as possible?

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8 responses to “A Conversation With My Ego (who’s been feeling left out…)

  1. “knitting your own lentils”
    Love it!

    I was intrigued yesterday by the idea that the benevolent, wise force/sentience of the Universe being external to you: if that is outside you and guiding & your gremlins are inside and resistant, where’s the bit of Cathy that’s actually doing the good work and being the coach/mentor/guru/guide?

    • Who says it’s outside? Just cos I’m calling “it” the Universe, that doesn’t imply that it’s only to be found outside of me. I’m resistant – or rather, I have been resistant, although as I’m typing this I find that suddenly that resistance has gone! – to call it what I think it really is – my soul, or the essence of God that is within me, as it is within everyone else. The word “Universe” doesn’t come layered with all the assumprion and “stuff” that the words Soul and God come with. And it’s that bit of me that is most present when I’m working.

      Good question, btw 🙂

      • RedHairedHiker

        Oooh, interesting (in a good way, not the “how interesting” way!). That’s positively pagan in outlook. 🙂 Or inlook. Whichever. I’d assumed it was outside because Universe to me comes with connotations of Big Bang and stars and gravity and subatomic particles and other sciency-stuff. But now you’ve explained it, the internal version make more sense in your context. *ponders*

      • This is the point at which I recommend you add “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson to your Amazon wishlist…

  2. I am so loving this leg of the journey Cathy..thank you for taking the time to let us join you. xxx

  3. Hate labels and refuse to use them. Be who you want to be and accept yourself for who you are. Actually prefer non-conformity!

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