Me: I say Ego, could we have a little chat
Ego: Tra-la-la-la-la-la holly….fa la la la la la la a la
Me: Ego, I know you can hear me…
Ego: It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid. At Christ…ooh look, more chocolate!!
Me: Yes, enough thank you, I neither need nor want any more chocolate, I want to talk to you
Ego: Sorry, far too busy planning our outfit for New Year’s Eve, shall you wear the red velvet or the purple, do you think?
Me: EGO! SIT!!
Ego: Sigh….go on then, what is it?
Me: First of all, I want to say how much I admire your skill and dexterity
Me: Well you’ve managed to pull the wool over my eyes for the best part of a month now and I’ve only just realised it in the last few days
Ego: Don’t know what you’re talking about. Sugared almond? Crystallised ginger?
Me: Thank you, no. And stop changing the subject. You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. You took one look at my decision to stop “doing” and start “being” and you jumped right into the gap, didn’t you?
Ego: Did I?
Me: Yes – you and your pal Mr Can’t B. Arsed.
Mr Can’t B. Arsed: Did someone call? ‘Fraid I can’t do anything at the moment, I’ve just eaten my own body weight in Turkish Delight and I’m feeling a bit sticky. Could you just roll me up in another blanket and put the Poirot Box-Set on again?
Me: Now listen you two. You have been helpful to me, to some extent, and I know that’s really what you want, isn’t it.
Ego/Mr C.B.A: Er…yes, yes of course…
Me: You’ve led me very kindly onto the sofa, you’ve snuggled me up with endless cups of tea and old films, you passed me plates of cakes and you’ve very effectively helped me to withdraw from all that frantic and formless doing that I was getting lost in, so Thank You.
Ego: Welcome, I’m sure
Mr C.B.A: There’s a “but” coming, I can feel it….stuff a biscuit in her mouth, quick…
Me: NO MORE BISCUITS!!! You’re right, there is a “but” coming…Thank You for helping me to step back from all the doing, BUT your real skill has lain in blind-siding me to what the “being” was supposed to be all about, hasn’t it. Just “being” isn’t about vegetating and getting fat and putting everything off till some mythical tomorrow that never comes. It’s not about letting whole days drift by having done absolutely nothing productive. The odd day doing that is glorious, yes – but it’s glorious because it’s a treat. When it becomes the norm it’s not a treat at all, it’s just laziness. And you two, of all people, know that I already see myself as unbelievably lazy so encouraging me to be even lazier is NOT HELPFUL!!!
Ego: Don’t shout dear, it makes your nostrils flair unattractively. And you’ll wake Mr C.B.A up. And we were only trying to help….
Me: Yes, but WHO were you trying to help in letting me give in to my inner slug?
Ego: Well you…obviously…
Ego:…well, all of us, obviously, I mean we’re all different bits of you aren’t we…
Me: Don’t forget I sussed you out a while back. Think carefully before you answer…
Ego: Oh all right, I was trying to help myself! I want things to stay the way they’ve always been! We’ve managed to get you to the age of 46 without ever really having to put much effort into anything! You never had to try hard to do well at school and when there were subjects you didn’t like or found difficult, you could drop them! We encouraged you to chicken out of going to University because it was scary and seemed like hard work and we’ve managed to help you keep that attitude going to just about everything till pretty recently. If it’s looked like it might be difficult or scary we’ve convinced you that you didn’t want to do it and you could get by just by concentrating on the stuff that didn’t take much of an effort.
Mr Can’t B. Arsed: Yeah, and now you’ve gone and changed all that and you keep wanting to TALK to us and tell us we’re doing the wrong things and we just want things to be the way they always have been!
Me: Yes, I know you do. And I understand, really I do. But they can’t be like they used to be and I don’t WANT them to be like they used to be. There is so much more I can be and so much more I can give, but it takes effort and it means breaking through barriers of fear. I don’t want, any more, to give in when things get a bit challenging.
Ego: But we do, and we’re stronger. There’s more of us than there are of you, and we’ve been doing pretty well over the past couple of months, a bit at a time. We’ve done some pretty nifty sabotaging, if I do say so myself, and fortified as we now are on mince pies and cake, I’m pretty sure it won’t take us long before this little rebellion subsides. Glass of Sherry?
The Universe: Aren’t you forgetting something?
Ego/Mr C.B.A: Oh that’s not fair, who invited you?
Me: I did of course. It may have looked as if I was giving in to your temptations but the Universe and I have been having some quiet chats over the past couple of days. We’ve been making plans…
Ego: Ha! Well they won’t last long, your plans never do! You’ll come up with a different one tomorrow and another one the day after that so that in the end nothing will come of any of them!
Me: Only if I let you in on the planning. Without you there insinuating that there’s always a better idea to be had, or another way of doing things, or that this idea might be not quite right, I can plan and execute that plan really rather well.
Ego: Only trying to help, as I’ve said before, don’t want you making mistakes, do we?
Me: I know that, but there has to come a point at which I take an action and follow it through. Constantly planning and never doing is FAR more of a mistake than making a decision, following up and learning from anything that might not have gone very well so I can make it better next time, can’t you see that?
Ego: Well, but…..but….are you saying I’ve been making you make mistakes? Leading you towards failure?
Me: Yes – and I’ve chosen to let you, time and time again. But now it must stop. Please.
Ego: Oh. Right. I think I need to go away and think about all this. Can we talk about this some more tomorrow?
Me: Yes, of course we can.
The Universe: Atta girl.