Would you like some Fairy Dust with your Life Changing Experience?

I’m supposed to be having a picnic in the park with my lovely husband, but a little while ago I said to him “I’m sorry, but I can’t come out with you.” He looked all disappointed and asked why not.

I had two reasons.

One was that I couldn’t find any clean bras and it’s not safe for me to go out without one. I’m not going to expand on that, use your imagination.

The second and more important was that I’d just had a Major Epiphany and I needed to do some serious thinking and then some serious blogging.

Because he’s a lovely man he said “OK, well, never mind. The sun’s gone in anyway. I’ll just watch another episode of Bonanza. It’s important that you do what you need to do”. Isn’t he fab?

Because he’s so fab, I made us a picnic and we ate it in the back garden (the sun came back out just in time). He’s out there now, communing with the cats and reading the papers while I came back inside to tell you about my Epiphany.

I’ve been thinking a lot about niche markets. If you’ve been following my blog you’ll know that I realised a little while ago that it’s important to have a niche market, and that I’d cheated by deciding to have 4, one of which was a niche made up of everyone that wasn’t in one of the first 3…

This has never sat quite right with me and I’ve struggled to see how best to talk about what I do and appeal to potential clients.

And then today, as a result of a number of conversations I’ve had and things I’ve read this week, it suddenly struck me.

My real niche market has been staring me in the face all this time. It’s been jumping up and down, shouting at me, pointing to itself and going,

“IT’S ME! I’M YOUR NICHE MARKET!! HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

And all the while I’ve been sticking my fingers in my ears and going “La la la la la not listening, you’re too obvious, go away now it can’t be that easy….”

(If you have a mental picture of me doing a Homer Simpson “D’oh” right now, that would be about right.)

So, what is it that’s so obvious that I missed it, even though none of my clients seem to have done?

It’s this – I work with people who feel lost in their own lives. The first thing that almost all of my clients say to me is something along the lines of

“I don’t know how I got here – this isn’t how my life was supposed to be”

And I know exactly how they feel, because that’s how I used to feel about my life, too.

So because I’ve been where they are, and I’m now living The Life I Was Born To Live, I know how to help them live the lives they were born for too.

I know how to help them step away from the grey, one-dimensional life they are currently experiencing, and step into the glorious, exciting, technicolour world of Life As It Was Always Meant To Be.

The fact that I’ve identified different groups of people that might be feeling like this (the groups that I had previously thought of as my niche markets) means that it’s easier for me to produce tools that work better for people in that particular situation – it doesn’t mean that those groups are my niche markets.

So. I have a niche market – people who feel like they’ve got lost in a life that’s not their own.

And I have a USP.

My clients come to me because they like the fact that they get colour, humour and the odd sprinkling of fairy dust when we work together.

I’m not at all po-faced about coaching (well, about anything really). It’s powerful stuff and I’m really good at it, but that doesn’t mean it has to be carried out in reverent whispers, as if we were in church or discussing national security behind a tree in Hyde Park.

Life becomes much more colourful when you’re enjoying yourself, and we all learn through play. Look at children.

Go on, find some now and look at them.

What two things are children doing pretty much all the time?

They’re learning and they’re playing. A lot of the time they’re learning while they’re playing. In fact, a lot of the time they’re learning because they’re playing.

And there’s no reason why grown-ups can’t do the same.

When I work with my clients, we learn and we play and sometimes we do both things at the same time. If you’re looking for a coach and you don’t want to have a laugh while you’re changing your life, then don’t come to me because I won’t be able to help you.

If you’re looking for a coach and you don’t want to sometimes go off on wild flights of fancy or magic carpet rides, and you don’t fancy being sprinkled with fairy dust every now and then, don’t come to me because I’ll really annoy you.

And if you’re looking for a coach but you want someone who deals with order and logic and rational things, then definitely don’t come to me.

But if you’re looking for a coach who’s colourful and lively and funny and will get over-excited alongside you when you plunge into a world of adventure by daring to escape the grey – then come and have a chat with me.

So there we are. I’m here to spread colour, laughter and fairy dust on anyone that wants to learn and play their way out of the shadows and into The Life They Were Meant To Live.

Cue Fireworks, Champagne Corks, Marching Bands, Performing Sea-Lions, Dancing Girls, Balloons and Confetti – and right on cue, my lovely husband has just appeared with a Nice Cup  of Tea!

Letting Go of Monsters

Every one of us,  as we go through life, has times when we’re hurt or frustrated or disappointed. Sometimes those feelings arise because of our own actions and sometimes as a result of our interactions with others. Some things we find we can “rise above” and they become incidents in our past that have no hold over us.

But some things linger and keep us trapped, unable to move away from the shame or the guilt or the hurt that we felt at the time of the incident. Those unhappy, unhelpful feelings smother us and colour our expectations of how life will be. They infect our relationships with those around us and poison our view of ourselves. In effect, we allow the power of those negative feelings to gain control over us and cast ourselves forever as a Victim.

Life as a Victim is not much fun, for us or for those around us. Victims are constantly expecting a repeat of the original, hurtful behaviour and so that’s what they get – either by provoking it in those around them or by misinterpreting/refusing to see kind thoughts and deeds for what they really are.

At the same time, the Victim is constantly replaying the original hurt and building the person that hurt them up into a Monster of mythical proportions. In keeping the incident alive and re-running it, the Victim gives the Monster incredible, superhuman powers of control over them, and then lives in a state of constant fear that history will repeat itself. The Victim, in effect, ends up creating a prison of fear for themself and giving the keys to a Monster.

The good news is that there IS a way out of this cycle of fear and hurt.

Imagine a small, fearful child, terrified of what’s going on around him and feeling powerless. How do terrified children behave? Well, some will become paralysed by their fear and go into a state of shock, and some will lash out, attempting to fight their way out of the frightening situation. What feelings do you experience when confronted with a terrified child – compassion? Love? Forgiveness and understanding for what could look like bad behaviour, if you didn’t know that they were acting from fear?

Now think of your own, particular Monster, and try to see the frightened child within them. Could their behaviour, that hurt you so much, have been a result of that frightened child within them, lashing out? Think about it:

• the bullying boss who constantly put you down and eroded your self-confidence – was that behaviour a result of their fear of their own inadequacy?

• the abusive parent who inflicted mental and physical cruelties on you as you were growing up – was that behaviour a result of their own fear of the Monsters in their life?

Whoever and whatever your own personal Monster, if you want to release yourself from your own prison of fear, allow yourself to look for the frightened child within, and to feel compassion for it.

Speak to that frightened child and forgive it.

Imagine the frightened child within you, and the frightened child within your Monster, embracing in love.

It won’t be easy and it won’t be immediate. But if you can try, every day, to focus on and forgive the frightened children in your life, you will find your prison walls melting away and the sunlight pouring into your life again.

What’s Your Label?

I’ve been thinking about labels as a result of conversations with some of my clients. We all use labels to describe ourselves and those around us – it’s a useful form of shorthand. But how helpful are our labels, and where do they come from?

It starts in childhood, especially if you have siblings. If you were labelled “the quiet one” or “the good one” or “the difficult one” that will inform how you see yourself, and how you will subsequently behave.

As you get older, your classmates will label you, and it will be very difficult for you to move away from that label while you know them. I remember one boy who was very short when we met in our first year at Senior School. He was noticeably smaller than the rest of the class and so there was inevitably a lot of teasing around his height. This went on for years until, one day, someone looked at him properly for the first time in years and realised that he was actually quite tall – and, as he pointed out when they expressed surprise, had been growing steadily for years!

What label do you give yourself? Do you define yourself by your job (I’m a teacher/lawyer/accountant/publisher)? Or by your association with another person (I’m a widower/divorcee/mother)? How helpful is that label in describing who you really are?

I know someone who uses a different label with everyone he meets, and his labels are based around the things he enjoys doing, and the emotions he’s feeling. So he might one day choose to introduce himself as “John Smith, and I like real ales” and the next day as “John Smith, and today I feel like having an adventure”.

Imagine giving yourself the freedom to celebrate all the exquisite facets of yourself like that – what kind of wonderful conversations might you prompt with the people you meet, and what kind of positive self-image might you build up for yourself?

So – lovely to meet you, I’m Cathy and I’m excited about what the future has in store. Tell me about yourself…

On What I’ve Been Up To Of Late

I’ve been lying low recently, keeping away from Twitter, Facebook and the Blog, and people have started to ask me what’s going on. Well, one of the reasons is that I’ve spent far too long hunched over my netbook and consequently given myself an enormous amount of back and shoulder trouble. I made a conscious decision about a month ago to keep away from it until I had a proper office set up with a seating position that would protect my posture and allow me to uncurl myself (my lovely husband said I was looking increasingly like a vulture hunched over my prey!).

I now have a glorious new office with a proper desk, PC and ergonomically designed chair so things aren’t anything like as uncomfortable as they were. I am though still suffering from the long term effects of how I used to work so I’m rationing the time I spend at my computer and trying various therapies to rid myself of the pain.

At the same time, I’ve been working hard developing my new brand and refocussing what I’m doing. My excitement is mounting as the time comes to go live with everything and I’m going to share with you now some of what I’ve been up to and why.

First up, why the rebrand? To cut a long story short, it’s because someone else has trademarked “Colourful Coaching” and it’s easier and cheaper if I move away from that brand rather than trying to have a fight over it. So, although my company will still be called Colourful Coaching Ltd, from now on I shall be trading and branded as “Colour In Your Thinking” – because that’s what I do, I help you to colour in your thinking and change the way you view yourself and your world from black and white into full, glorious colour. Here’s a sneak preview of my new logo in action…
 
Colour In Your Thinking has 2 strands, Colour in Your Life and Colour In Your Business and I’m currently developing a range of products for my niche markets within those 2 strands. Identifying my niche markets has been something I’ve been working on for some time now, having realised that all those people telling me I needed to do so were right – no matter how much I want to go out there and help the whole wide world, I can’t. So, I’m sticking to what I know and I’ve defined my niche markets as:

• working mums (been there, done that)
• students (currently supporting my kids and their friends who are going through uni)
• small business owners (being there, doing that!)

Supporting people in each of these niches is something I feel passionately about, because I have direct experience of what it’s like and I have skills and knowledge that I can use to help people currently going through it.

So, what’s on offer? Well, one of the things I’m most excited about is my online coaching packages which will be going live very soon. They’re currently being pilot tested by some lovely volunteers, and the feedback I’m getting is great.

So what is online coaching? Basically it’s a software package (I’m using one called JigsawBox, which was developed by an excellent lady called Nicola Bird) that allows me to deliver any number of different coaching programmes. Each programme consists of a number of different modules which are made up of some theory and background on the subject of that module, followed by a series of coaching questions for you to answer. When you sign up for a programme you get access to a new module every month and all you have to do is work through the questions as directed by me as your coach. I’ll be able to monitor your progress and once a week I’ll respond on-line to the work you’ve done that week, following up your input with questions, suggestions for action and information I think you might find helpful. My responses will be unique to you and will be based on what you’ve told me, so you’ll be getting completely personal support.

Each programme contains a number of different packages, based on your needs and your budget. Whichever package you choose, you can be assured that you’ll get my personal attention and a truly personal coaching experience.

I’m delighted to be able to offer online coaching as part of the mix, and here’s why:

• it’s much more cost-effective for my clients – my basic packages will cost you less than one hour of my face-to-face time, and we’ll be able to cover much more ground
• you get far more time to reflect and think in depth about the answer to a question. Several of my guinea pigs have already commented on how much they like this aspect as it makes them consider things so much more
• once you start answering the questions in your chosen package, it instantly becomes a personal, one-to-one coaching session, just as it would be if we were face to face.
• both you as the client and I as the coach can choose the time that’s most appropriate for us to do this work. We don’t have to be in the same place, time or even time zone to work together and we can fit it in around our other commitments
• our coaching conversations remain available for you to go over as often as you want. It’s easy for you to go back and remind yourself what you said you would do, so you can’t “forget” about your actions, and you can track your own progress and see how far you’ve come in your “colouring in”
• the software is really easy to use – if you’re reading this blog you can cope with online coaching!

If this has whetted your appetite and you want to see how online coaching works, then sign up here to join in with my teleseminar on June 24th when I’ll be showing you exactly what online coaching is all about, how easy it is to use and introducing you to my new packages.

On Valuing Yourself

Let’s start with some rhetorical questions:

1) If you’re a parent, what kind of life do you believe your children deserve? How do you show them how much you value them?

Most loving parents desperately want their children to be happy, healthy and fulfilled, and do their utmost to make that happen. When they are little, we try to ensure they eat a good, healthy diet and get plenty of exercise. We cuddle them and read to them and play with them; we kiss it better when it hurts and we keep them safe while also giving them room to learn about risks and danger in a healthy way. As they get older, we gradually step back until they have enough space to stretch their wings and fly safely from the nest.

And as parents we know that Philip Larkin was right – despite all of our best intentions we still manage to get some stuff wrong and there will always be things that our children will hold against us. But if we’ve done our very best, our children will be secure in the knowledge that we value them above all else.

2) If you have a partner, what kind of life do you believe they deserve, and how do you show them how much you value them?

I believe that loving partners want only the best for each other. It’s easy for that basic want to get lost in amongst the dishwashing, laundry, last-minute business trips and school holidays that make up family life, but a loving couple will still find the time somehow to look out for each other and do whatever they can to show each other they care. In my marriage, one of the ways this manifests itself is in my lovely husband bringing me tea and breakfast in bed every morning without fail (unless he’s too ill to get up, which is very rare). It’s only a little thing, but every morning I wake up to a reminder of how loved and valued I am – and that’s not a little thing at all.

Now here comes the killer question: What kind of life do you think you deserve? And how do you show yourself how much you value yourself?

Do you make sure that you’re happy, healthy and fulfilled? Or do your needs come at the bottom of the list, only to be tended to when you’ve made sure everyone else is OK? I’m not advocating becoming selfish and putting yourself first at all times, but if you always put yourself last you’ll never have the energy or the time left to do yourself justice. Don’t you deserve to treat yourself to the same care and compassion you give to others?

What kind of messages do you send out about yourself? If you show the world that you don’t value yourself then the world will learn that you are of no value and treat you accordingly. So if your family see you always putting yourself last and not respecting yourself, then they will learn to do the same. If you make it clear that you think your feelings and opinions are worthless, then that’s what your children will learn about you – and what will they learn about themselves as a consequence?

What little things could you do, every day, to show yourself that you love and value yourself? Maybe a walk in the fresh air, with the sun on your face would do it for you. Maybe some quiet time to yourself doing exactly what you want. Here’s an idea:

Take a piece of paper and write on the top “If I were to live my life as if I really valued myself, I would…”

Now make a list of all the things you would do if that were true. Make it a list of positive things, so rather than saying “I would stop doing x”, say “I would start doing y”.

Once you’ve finished your list, pick 3 things on it that are easy to achieve and commit to incorporating them into your life – starting today. Next week pick 3 more and add them in. The week after that, pick 3 more and add them in, and so on.

In a month’s time, you’ll be living as if you really valued yourself – and you’ll be astonished by how easy it was and what a difference it’s made to you and those around you. I’d love to know how you get on…

On Being in the Moment

I used to be someone who could never live in the moment. Wherever I was, whatever I was doing, I would always have at least half my mind somewhere else, thinking about something else. I found it incredibly difficult to just “BE” and would feel physically uncomfortable if I had to sit around for any longer than a couple of minutes without something to read. I never realised that this was doing me any harm, and I certainly never realised that I was missing out on some of the best things in life, simply by not allowing myself to notice them.

I’m a different woman now though, and one of my greatest pleasures is to really take in what’s going on around me. I’ve found that this leads me to a great and deep sense of inner peace, but I also know that it’s only possible (for me, at least) because by and large I have come to a point where I am accepting of who I am. That acceptance means that I no longer have to try to run away from my thoughts and feelings, and that’s what gives me the space to look outside.

This weekend is a case in point. My lovely husband Peter and I have had the most glorious weekend in our campervan, not doing very much but enjoying every minute. There were hot air balloons to watch, birds to listen to, new leaves and blossom to enjoy, warm sunshine to appreciate and all the smells of springtime. There was also peacefulness, togetherness, quiet affection, back rubs and the strengthening of the already strong bond between us – all done mostly wordlessly because words weren’t necessary. As Peter says, “Simple Pleasures”.

Simple Pleasures are Peter’s version of my #happies and both come about only when you’re able to be wholly in the moment. That means not fretting about what might be, what has been or what won’t be, but rather focussing entirely on the here and now. Using all of your senses to tune in to whatever’s around you, and noticing the good things.

How much of your time do you spend in the moment, and how much do you spend worrying about other things?

How would it be if you allowed yourself a little time each day to sit back and metaphorically smell the roses?

I wonder what good things you might start to notice about your life as a result?

Do let me know…

On Meeting Your Moomins

On Saturday I held a follow-up session with some of the delegates from my first True Colours workshop. We came together to explore what was different for them in their lives since we last met, and to look at some more techniques that could help them to continue to build their confidence and live more fulfilling lives.

I was delighted to hear of their progress, and equally delighted about how enthusiastic they were to do more work – to the extent that one of them suggested a whole new exercise, and invited me to join in! The results were astounding, and I’ve decided to share them here.

We had been talking about Gremlins. Gremlins are the unhelpful aspects of your inner voice, and they can lead you into repeating patterns of self-defeating behaviour but giving you messages that make you get in your own way. Gremlins start out with the intention of being helpful but they end up getting it wrong, either by cropping up at unhelpful times, or by telling us the wrong things – as an example, one of my Gremlins for years was “Little Miss Itstoo Scary” – she was trying to keep me safe and prepared for risks, but what she actually did was to hold me back from ever trying anything that had even the slightest element of risk attached. Once I’s identified her and realised how she was trying to help, I’ve been able to tell her she can have a rest now, as I’m capable of assessing risks and making my own decisions – and if you’ve read previous posts here, you’ll know that overcoming fears has been a big thing for me of late!

On Saturday, after we’d all talked about our own Gremlins, one of my participants asked if there was a positive version of Gremlins, in other words, the inner voices that are helpful and lead you into positive behaviours. We all quickly decided that if there aren’t, there should be – and we decided to discover our own, me included.

We agreed to call our positive Gremlins Moomins. (The Moomins are the central characters in a series of books and a comic strip by Swedish-Finn illustrator and writer Tove Jansson. We felt that they were emblematic of what positive Gremlins were all about). As we took a little time to discover our Moomins, I watched the smiles break out on people’s faces, turning into broad grins as we settled on the ones we liked best. Then it was time to share.

My Moomins, I decided, are as follows:

Happy Moomin – Happy Moomin is on a bouncy castle. She’s exuberant, childlike, excitable and enthusiastic, and she loves to encourage playfulness in others. Every time she bounces, she sees the world from a new and different perspective and that leads her to all sorts of new ideas and new discoveries.

Loving Moomin – Loving Moomin is carrying a huge platter of food that she’s just prepared specifically so that she can nurture those around her. She’s warm, affectionate and generous and takes great pleasure in the successes and triumphs of those around her.

Intrepid Moomin – Intrepid Moomin wears a pith helmet and carries a machete so that he can slash through the jungly undergrowth, making new paths for himself and the ones that come behind him. He’s bold, brave and questing.

As we all shared our Moomins, so we all came to share in each others’ delight at celebrating the positive aspects of our natures, and we finsihed Saturday’s session on a real high. I’ve been thinking about my Moomins, and my delegates’ Moomins, all weekend, and now I’d really like to know about other Moomins. So, if you’d like to join in and share you Moomins with me and the rest of the world, please add your comment below!